Dear OPD, it is time to arrest Fnu Lnu

There is a person named Fnu Lnu (pronounced fa-knew-la-knew) who goes around town and commits crime.  This person also notoriously sets up poor folks in situations that look really bad then mysteriously disappears just before the cops arrive.  I really think it is time for the Oakland Police Department to do something about this person.  By my count, this person is responsible for thousands of crime and convictions of innocent people.  This person has even gone to New York to commit crimes!!! Shout Out to the NYPD, well done, you are the only jurisdiction I know of who actually caught him! But, alas, he continues to wreak havoc in California.

Let me give you an example of a classic Fnu Lnu M.O.  Your client is minding his own business when suddenly he needs to be somewhere immediately.  Luckily, and completely coincidentally, his good ole buddy Fnu Lnu pulls up in a car as he is walking to where he needs to go.  Fnu Lnu is a VERY generous person.  Fnu Lnu says to your client “hey, you look like you need a ride. I have something to do. Want to borrow my car?”  Your client has somewhere to be. He needs to be there soon. He knows Fnu Lnu.  He has no reason to believe that Fnu Lnu would set him up or would be driving a stolen car.  Never mind the fact that the car is running with a screwdriver in it instead of a key.  So, your client accepts Fnu Lnu’s offer.  Within minutes, the police pull over your client, arrest him for driving a stolen vehicle, and throw him in jail.  Now, if you ask me, Fnu Lnu set this whole thing up and called the cops. But, maybe I’m just paranoid.

So your client meets you for the first time. He tells you what Fnu Lnu did.  All you can say is “EFFING FNU LNU, HE STRIKES AGAIN!”

According to your client, all you have to do to exonerate him is talk to Fnu Lnu, wherein Fnu Lnu will explain everything. Fnu Lnu will definitely come to court to testify for your client and besides the whole New York thing, which your client doesn’t know about, Fnu Lnu has no prior record because he never gets caught so he will make an unimpeachable witness.

If only it were that simple.  F(irst) n(ame) u(known) L(ast) n(ame) u(nknown)  lives in the UK (I’m not talking about Europe, I mean his address is UnKnown).  His phone number begins with “555.”  Even though he is your client’s friend, no one else your client knows whose contact information he has also know Fnu Lnu.  Thus, your client is convicted, by plea or verdict, and Fnu Lnu, lives another day.

This, my friends, is how Fnu Lnu commits crime and frames people.  Dear OPD, drop your donuts and DO SOMETHING to stop Fnu Lnu.

Published by Jenny Brandt

About Me: sociology, african american studies, chicano/a studies, critical race studies, and criminal law scholar. public school kid from kindergarten-J.D. Former public defender. I am a post-conviction guru. Appeals. Sentencing. Withdraw Pleas. Habeas. Published author in the Criminal Law Bulletin and California Defender. "I do it for the joy it brings, because I'm a joyful girl, because the world owes me nothing, and we owe each other the world." Why I started JJC: My PD buddy suggested it. What and who JJC is inspired by: public defenders I have worked for, with, and next to. my clients who have battled things no one should and are still here. innocence and guilt and everything in between. My coworkers, who fight just as hard as the PDs I love, for many of the same reasons. My husband who was once voted "most Christ like" (every Jewish girl's dream). My Corgi who loves everyone. The constitution. Tabloids. My mom, for giving me a voice. My dad, for teaching me what to say. My brother, for teaching me how to say it.

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